Students Banned From Rabbitt’s After String Of Bar Brawls

RABBITT’S- After a series of violent bar brawls initiated by Grinnell college students, students have been indefinitely banned from the infamous dive bar.

“We remain unsure of the exact cause of the incidents at this time,” said Grinnell Police Chief Robert Andress. “We do suspect an existential philosophy course may be involved. If I had to guess I’d say it’s at the 300 level.”

The three largest brawls have been between history majors and philosophy majors. Students in Dominic Brandstad’s, History, “Hegelian Historiography” seminar were meeting at Rabbitt’s at the exact same time as students in Avril Watson’s, Philosophy, “Kierkegaard Was Right” seminar.

“The major problem with the situation was that two groups of students were essentially taught to hate each other. Hegel’s theory of history runs completely counter to Kierkegaard’s. You throw in a few Jaeger bombs, and the whole place goes to hell,” said Andress. “I’m just grateful a Marxist didn’t walk into the bar that night.”

Brandstad and Watson have both apologized for their roles in sparking the brawls.

“I thought students discussing class topics outside of the classroom was a good thing,” said Brandstad. “From now on, we’ll stick to a more controlled environment. This sort of ideological bloodshed belongs in Steiner.”

The argument over the proper narrative of history is only responsible for a handful of the brawls that have taken place. Other notable fights have erupted between abstract and applied mathematicians, GWSS and any other group on campus, and the deeply-engrained feud between the Tolstoyan and the Dostoevskian camps within the Russian department.

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