Students Worry Wellness May Spread Throughout Campus

FORUM- The Health Center announced today that the student body could be at risk of an epidemic. They warned that wellness may spread across campus.

“In the early part of the school year we saw most of the campus reporting some sort of illness,” said Health Center employee Janet Davies. “In recent days we've noticed an alarming trend, students are getting better. This probably is because students don't have as much work so they're actually getting sleep. This is awful for us, how else are we supposed to get rid of our 4 million ibuprofen tablets?”

Third year student Anadn Desai voiced his concern saying, “I went to all my classes last week and I didn't have an excuse for why my work sucked. Swine flue better get here fast because I can't keep up this attendance rate.”

President Osgood '10, said that the college will remain open despite the outbreak.

“We wanted to stay strong in the face of this crisis. I urge all students to take as many precautions as possible,” said Osgood in a message to the college.

Students seem to have taken Osgood's message to heart. Students like Fritz Goering, '11, and Heather Phillips, '12, have organized “germ parties” to try and prevent the spread of wellness.

“We're very concerned so we thought it would be best i we threw some germ parties. Basically what we do at them is we eat undercooked chicken that's been on the floor, play in the mud, and drink water from puddles. I think we're doing our part,” said Phillips.

The wellness issue is not isolated at Grinnell either. NBC news reported earlier that a whopping 250 million people in the United States have come down with wellness.

Rick Montero, spokesman for The Center for Disease Control, said the CDC is “very concerned. This strain has the potential to reach global pandemic status if people keep being so careful. We're looking at Spanish flue type numbers, meaning potential casualties in the trillions.”

Montero also added some helpful hints for avoiding the wellness. “People should wash their hands as little as possible, get as little sleep as they can, and they should take all opportunities to sneeze on others they get. Often it doesn't hurt to go the extra mile. You know, like lick a banister or kiss a homeless person.”

Montero said it could be some time before a vaccine is ready for the public. In the meantime people just need to do their best to avoid the wellness.