Student Hooked Up With Your Mom

Newfound groupies look on as your mom answers the latest text from her squeeze.

HARRIS – During Family Weekend, many students got to spend time with their visiting siblings and parents. One student, however, took the opportunity to hook up with your mom.

“Fuck yeah I did,” he admitted on Wednesday. “I slept with your mom. But she came onto me, for the record.” The student has requested that he remain anonymous until the inevitable Facebook pictures emerge. “I just thought she was a student, cause she looked so much like someone I knew here.”

“By the way, you look a lot like your mom,” he commented.

Your mom was first spotted at a pre-party in Gates after 9:00 PM. “Your mom walked into the lounge and started tidying it up, throwing away empty cans and stuff,” claimed Justin Welker ’13. “We thought she was FM.” The partygoers confessed that they were too drunk to notice anything out of the ordinary. “In retrospect, she didn’t really fit in,” continued Welker. “We should have known something was wrong when it took four football players to hold her up for a kegstand.”

“Your mom has huge tits,” Welker recalled.

Witnesses claim that your mom appeared on the dance floor at Harris sometime around 12:30-12:45 AM and immediately started grinding against strangers like a pro. Brandon Feyworth ’12, who was working security that night, agreed to comment. “Yeah, I saw your mom. She’s fine as hell. She looked a bit old at first, but the way she was dancing? There’s no way anyone over 25 should know moves like that. Or wear a skirt that short, for that matter.”

Feyworth was briefly distracted from your mom’s banging ass by a student who had drunk too much, but the next time he checked her out, he noticed she was mostly dancing with one guy. “Your mom was all over him. She even started spanking him at one point,” he remembered. “Probably not the way she spanked you when you were a kid – this was much raunchier,” he clarified.

By about 1:00 AM, the hookup had begun. “Your mom started making out with me on the dance floor,” claimed the lucky student. “There was a lot of biting. Your mom is a fox,” he said. Before long, he suggested that they go back to his room. “It was a great night. Your mom really knows what she’s doing.”

However, the morning after was not as smooth. “I woke up a little before noon to the smell of eggs,” he remembered. “Your mom made me breakfast, which was great, but weird. And then she said she had to meet up with her kid for lunch. I panicked, but she was cool about it.”

“I guess she just wanted to get laid.”