Student Body Relapses Into Heavy Academics Use

Students shamelessly feeding their addiction, rotting their minds and destroying their bodies with the poison of academics.

CAMPUS- After brief stint in rehab, large portions of the student body have now relapsed into their old tendencies of mindless academic abuse.

Grinnell's lengthy Winter Break was widely thought to be just what the doctor ordered to help rid the student body of their longstanding addiction to classes, homework, and studying. However, scarcely two weeks into the spring semester, many students have already relapsed.

“I came home last night and there was my roommate, about halfway through a line of Russian homework, with a couple of my psych books sprawled out all over the floor. Turns out she had already been through all of them. It was sickening,” remarked Esther Clovis '11.

Clovis went on to note that her roommate “came back to the room at three in the afternoon last Friday, and you could tell she'd just been in class because of how red her eyes were. And do you know what she does? She starts doing some reading for her Monday class! At three in the afternoon!”

Clovis's roommate could not be reached for comment.

This story is common all over campus, where students, after a brief diversion from their hardworking habits of the first semester, came back to school only to pick up right where they left off.

“The relapse into skimmin' always leaves you way worse off than when you went clean,” says Steven Fizzle '12, who used the slang word 'skimmin' as a name for the highly dangerous skill known as 'studying'. “By the end of the fall semester, you've worked up a tolerance to all-night homework binges. But then when you go sober, especially for more than a month, you lose that tolerance.”

Fizzle adds, “Someone should warn those first-years that if they keep going at this rate, they'll be done in four years.”

Despite this, many students have reverted to their old study habits, wreaking havoc on their bodies and minds without thought for the long-term consequences of their actions. According to several recent studies related to various academic subjects, researchers are confident that regular academic use in undergraduate years is one of the leading consequences of innocent inquiry, or even worse, permanent enlightenment.

The physical and mental strain is beginning to take a toll on many students' personal lives. With the students in question all being involved, at least at some level, with classes, papers, tests, and homework, the overall abuse of subjects has carried over into the personal lives of these students. Family members are devastated by the regularity of unanswered phone calls and reports that their sons and daughters are losing weight by not nurturing themselves properly, instead “self-educating” themselves into oblivion.

Despite numerous inquiries from local news agencies in regards to the academic pandemic at Grinnell, the College has abstained from comment, with the implication that any comment would support the idea that Grinnell is not active in fighting the War on Books.

In a related story, parents are wondering why a group of a hundred juniors decided not to come back to Grinnell for the spring semester and instead go to Europe for five months of partying.