South Campus Arrested

South Campus is informed of their rights before being sent to the precinct for processing.

Students living on South Campus were shocked Thursday afternoon when they were disrupted not by a fire alarm, or loud, terrible music from that guy down the hall, but by several dozen of Grinnell’s Finest marching through the loggia and into the dorms, arresting everyone in sight.

“It was the most incredible thing I’d ever seen,” said Eric Weinman ’13, who watched the arrests from a second-story window in Noyce. “The entire logia was filled with students in riot handcuffs.”

“Actually, it looked a lot like Chains,” he realized. “Or Fetish. Actually, pick any Harris party – it looked like that.”

Just before the arrests, the bike cop had been riding through campus, looking for signs of early 10/10 pregaming, when he realized that the entirety of South Campus was surrounded by a haze of smoke. “It was ridiculous,” he reported. “I couldn’t actually see the buildings, just a sort of shimmering haze, like one of those desert heat mirage things.” He immediately called for backup.

Five minutes later, the entire Grinnell Police Department was assembled on Cleveland Beach with gas masks and hazmat suits. They arrested everyone they could find, a total of 357 students. Since Grinnell’s police force lacks the holding facilities for so many people, the students were detained in East Campus, where they would have no chance of a repeat offence.

“It was the largest, most extensive drug raid we’ve ever had. We’re all set on our arrest quotas for the next 6 years from this thing,” Police Chief Joseph Hall said. “But of course that’s not why we do it. It’s all for the good of these young people, showing them the error of their ways.” In addition to the arrests, officers confiscated 94 lbs of marijuana, 126 bottles of various types of alcohol, and 74 items of drug paraphernalia.

The students involved, nearly one-fourth of the student body, had a somewhat less positive outlook on the Grinnell Police Department’s supposedly altruistic actions. “How the hell did they even get on campus?” complained Anderson Payne ’14, one of the apprehended students. “I mean, they’re not even allowed here, right? My SA told me there was like, a magical circle around the buildings, and as long as the doors are closed they can’t come in and we can smoke all we want,” he protested.

The 357 arrested students will have to go before Judicial Council, according to Dean of Students Travis Greene. “For repeat offenders, this may mean suspension. For first-time offenders, pointless and vague educational measures meant to deter further offenses are more likely,” Greene said.

The students in question have been released on bail pending such punitive measures by the school administration, and 10/10 should allow them ample opportunities for recidivism.