Skeptical Grinnellians Demand Proof Of Dr. Raynard Kington's Birth

Against the backdrop of his actual birth certificate Kington attempts to placate his detractors with strong American ideals and a power tie.

A small but vocal group of Grinnellians has called for Dr. Raynard S. Kington to make his birth certificate public in order to prove that he is legally qualified to serve as President of the College.

While the majority of Grinnellians are excited and supportive of Dr. Kington's unanimous selection by the Presidential Search Committee and the Board of Trustees, some members of the Grinnell community, fueled by ignorance, the blogosphere, and a steady diet of Fox News, questioned Kington's right to assume the office of President.

“We have a proud tradition in this country of attempting to undermine African-American presidents by questioning their country of origin,” said Kenneth Bateman, '12. “All we're asking is that President Kington show us his birth certificate so that we can question its legitimacy and win ourselves our own 15 minutes of fame.”

With his education, experience, and undeniable charisma, those who oppose Dr. Kington's selection as President have little grounds on which to challenge his qualifications. Seeking other means of embarrassing themselves by questioning his authority, the so-called Birther movement argues that Kington has never satisfactorily proven that he is a native Iowan.

“Where was Dr. Kington born? Has he ever lived outside of Iowa? Does he meet the basic requirements for the presidency as laid out by Grinnell's founding fathers?” asks Sheila Nordstrom, '11. “I don't know if any of those things are valid questions, but I do know that the First Amendment guarantees me the right to make myself look like an asshole by asking them.”

The announcement of Dr. Kington's selection was met with great enthusiasm, and many Grinnellians believe he is the right man to keep the College moving forward. A vocal group of spiteful and publicity-seeking dickheads, however, has been trying to taint his historic moment in Grinnell's history.

“All we want is for Dr. Kington to put a copy of his original birth certificate online so that we have the opportunity to call it a fake,” said Robert D. Dryden, '12. “And then we will put our own falsified documents online and try to pass off our forgeries as real. When our obvious forgeries are discredited because we failed to spell-check, we will put more forgeries online and force the press to make a big story out of nothing.”

“It's the American way,” added Dryden.

According to Grinnell's charter and every other relevant document, the College does not specify that a President needs to have been born in Iowa. However, this has not deterred the Birthers.

“We don't need progressive trustees legislating from the bench or whatever they sit on when they meet,” said Sidney Chapman, an '04 alum. “They need to honor the laws of the College as established in the mid 19th century. I've never actually read Grinnell's charter for myself, but I'm a firm believer in whatever I imagine it says.”

Members of the Birther movement also plan to join forces with other misinformed Grinnellians to protest supposed 200% tuition increases by shouting stupid slogans, misquoting the United States Constitution, and pointlessly throwing teabags at Nollen House.