Sexually Frustrated Student Excited for TSA Pat-Down
Harris expands its operations to Des Moines International Airport.
DES MOINES – This winter break, traveling students will have a choice between backscatter machines or a full body pat-down at Des Moines Airport. Most students are dreading this, deathly afraid of cancerous outbreaks all over their bodies, or having flashbacks to Catholic school. Some students, however, like Harry Richards ’13, are excited. “Oh man, this is going to be the most action I’ve gotten all semester,” said Richards.1
The TSA pat-downs have been characterized as degrading and humiliating violations to privacy, or as it is referred to in Grinnell, Harris.
“This is gonna be great. Hopefully, it will be less awkward than Waltz was,” Richards said. “But I’m going to be trashed, so with any luck, I’ll get the strip search.”
The last time Richards got any, was ’90s Harris. His paramour, Jenny Brown ’11, regrets the entire evening.
“It started off alright, and he had a good Kurt Cobain costume, but it just went downhill from there.” She added, “I can understand why he’s had such a long dry spell. He’s just so awkward, like more awkward than most Grinnell students. Cobain’s corpse would have been better.”
Richards, however, is optimistic about his chances. “I really think my moves will work on the TSA agents. Maybe I’ll have one of those cute agents patting me down.”
Richards’ moves reportedly include wearing lots of metal items and trying to look as suspicious as possible. Richards plans to have a carry on with a whole tube of toothpaste, his razor, and some mysterious object that will probably be construed as a weapon.
Richards is keeping an open mind about the process, adding, “I’ll settle for an ugly agent, or an old one, or a hairy one, or anything really. Even someone else’s gloved hand would be better than my own. I really need this.”
The TSA procedures involve excessive physical contact, to the point that many people feel uncomfortable. When contacted, the TSA wanted to remind travelers that pat-downs were not enjoyable for anyone. “Look we just want to ensure that everyone has a safe flight this holiday season. You think our dedicated, highly trained agents want to spend their time accosting travelers, especially this Harry pervert?” Travelers are reminded that the primary option remains the backscatter machines. For some, cancer remains preferable to physical contact. Richards, however, is taking no chances. In order to make sure he gets fully searched, Richards is packing his boxers with Semtex.
Richards also added, “The only thing that would be better is if they increase security even more by the time I fly back to Grinnell in January.”
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