Report: Student Chained To Water Fountain Outside Harris

CLARK- Though he had earlier possessed modest expectations of being chained to a human, first-year Daniel Myers was informed by an anonymous source in his Clark 3rd room on Thursday night that he will be chained to the water fountain just outside the concert hall in the Harris Center this Saturday night.

Myers, who likes Grinnell so far and thinks he might do some kind of double major maybe, had just returned from the Dining Hall only to find a note under his door revealing that he and the water fountain had indeed been “screwed” to each other. Though quick to question the factuality of the message, Myers nevertheless began speculating as to whom would have the audacity to chain him to a water fountain.

“A water fountain?” he pondered. “I bet it was Phil. That's the kind of shit he finds funny. Just hilarious, Phil is. But this could also be the work of someone like my friend Helena, in which case I might find it slightly more funny.”

Added Myers, “Slightly.”

Though Myers's initial reaction focused mainly on the negative side of the chain, floormates have been quick to point out the potential positives of this scenario. Student adviser Mary Jameson explained, “Danny will probably be hammered by the time that he's supposed to show up, so being chained to a water fountain really isn't a bad thing. It could even be incentive for him to go really hard, because he knows he's going meet someone who can provide him with what his body will ultimately need at that moment anyway.”

Roommate Xavier Delores '13 also brought up the idea of an improved social appearance for Myers. “Everyone knows Dan can't dance to save his life. So doesn't being chained to a water fountain kind of give him something to work with, instead of taking the life out of everyone that's within a 7 foot radius of him like any other Harris?”

“Maybe this water fountain chain will finally give Dan a reason to sexile me,” Delores added.

While Myers may feel isolated as the only student to be chained to a non-Grinnell student this year, many students insist upon a rich tradition of students being chained to eccentric things at Harris over the years, most notably the right handicap-accessible door and the northwest end of the west platform on the dance floor.

When pressed for comment, the water fountain would only say that regardless of the duration of its chain with Myers, it would be busy “watching barely coherent people stumble in and out of Harris,” as it does every weekend.