Politician's Penis Admits Extramarital Affair

A protestor demonstrates his right to peacefully assemble at the request of our photographer. The penis's supporters gathered en masse Monday, sporting campaign buttons and "Free the Penis" T-shirts.

DES MOINES- The penis of Iowa state senator Mark King (IA-06) confessed to an extramarital affair Sunday during an interview with David Gregory on NBC's “Meet the Press.” The penis said it would step down from several leadership positions and at least one other position at the request of the penises of its fellow committee members.

“I cannot express how sorry I am for breaking my wife's trust, my constituents' confidence, and that condom,” said the penis. “I can only hope that, with time, I can earn your forgiveness.”

King's penis is known in his community for helping out with the local soup kitchen, regularly attending PTA meetings, and serving as Boy Scout “den leader.” Although a lifelong Republican, his colleagues in the statehouse note that in election years he leans slightly to the left.

Democrats have seized the opportunity to point out that this is not the first time in recent months a Republican penis has stepped out of line, although GOP dicks counter that a few Democratic penises have become notorious for recently soliciting paid vagina services. Privately, top Republican penises have said that they are relieved that “at least this time the affair was with a vagina.”

After receiving tips from several insider penises, the Justice Department has launched an investigation into whether higher-ups in the party knew about the affair and covered it up for weeks or even months. Since early rumors of the penis's infidelity leaked to local press, King has attempted to distance himself from his penis, instructing his staff to play up his “family values” policies and telling reporters, “My penis has no place in my marriage and hasn't for several years.”

When asked for comment, his wife confirmed this was true.

Late-night comedians are capitalizing on the affair. Conan O'Brien, host of NBC's “The Tonight Show,” quipped, “I guess this is one situation where you can only have one job at a time,” while The Late Show's David Letterman introduced his list of The Top 10 Reasons King Should Have Kept It In His Pants.

At this point, analysts on both sides of the aisle agree that the penis's political ambitions are screwed.

State representative Don Tarsley (IA-14), the penis's right-hand man, told reporters he has full faith in his friend's recovery. “Obviously he made a mistake and his family is going through a tough time. He's certainly stuck himself in a hole, here. But I believe he's going to get through this, and at the end of the day he'll be able to hold his head high.”