Overworked Students Outsource Final Research Papers To Class Of 2014

BURLING- In a development that SEPC members from a variety of departments have deemed “necessary to our success as a student body,” admitted students from the Class of 2014 have been contracted to help finish research papers assigned to current students.

The decision came in light of what History SEPC representative Judith Monroe '10 called “a heavy, campus-wide demand for increased labor.”

“Our current expectations for student workload are not in line with those of other colleges and universities,” said Monroe, who spearheaded the Research Relocation Ad-Hoc Committee that is responsible for the outsourcing. “Grinnell is one of the most productive schools in the entire country, but the committee found that we are critically understaffed to handle the amount of research papers being assigned to us.”

Though they only possess a high school education, officials from the Admissions department are thoroughly convinced next year's first-years possess all the necessary skills to thrive in the Grinnell College workforce.

“Not only does the class of 2014 have the necessary qualifications,” explained Admissions counselor Mona Dantley, “but they hail from environments that are more conducive to completing research papers than Grinnell College itself. They live with their parents, they're nourished and rested, they don't abuse drugs and alcohol, and they haven't been stressed by recent bias-motivated incidents.”

“And they seem to be willing to work for almost nothing,” Dantley added.

In an attempt to simplify the process, the committee created a standard operating procedure for all current Grinnell students outsourcing research papers. Michael Van Cleef '10 outlined the procedure.

“For papers under 10 pages, current students only need to submit a prompt and basic topic to the laborer that will complete the essay. 10-20 page papers additionally require a provisional thesis, though we want to stress the word 'provisional' as the worker completing the paper may find a better thesis altogether,” Van Cleef stated.

“And for papers longer than 20 pages, the Grinnell student will have to provide all of the information for the shorter papers as well as 2 scholarly sources – the admitted student will find the remainder.”

Initial responses from the Class of 2014 have been positive.

Said Daryl Holmes '14, “I'm so thrilled a Grinnell student would allow me the privilege to research sin, death, and Satan in Milton's Paradise Lost, especially as it relates to anti-trinitarian doctrine. Why would I want to go to prom when instead I could take part in such a relevant scholarly conversation?”

As of press time, the committee is unsure whether enthusiasm displayed by workers such as Holmes is genuine or simply the result of the Class of 2014 being told their admission was contingent on completing the outsourced papers.