Osgood Not Invited To Selah

NOLLEN HOUSE – Grinnell students and townsfolk alike enjoyed a spectacular Selah – a celebration celebrating the community and the exploits of President Osgood. The only flaw on that perfect day was that the guest of honor failed to receive an invitation.

“We were just so busy trying to arrange everything between piglets, mobile Mexican, and cover band concerts that we just sort of forgot to notify poor Russell,” noted Selah committee member Terry Kirklin '11, “We tried calling and texting him that day. In fact, we left about five voice mails but Russell never keeps his phone turned on during weekends. To let Russell know that he was still with us in spirit, we have been hard at work photoshopping him into pictures of us that were taken at the festival.”

Selah committee chair Helena Burnside '10 maintained a harsher retrospective towards the incident. She claimed that a specific member of the committee forgot to send Osgood a Facebook event invite. “We know that President Osgood checks his Facebook religiously and he would have received this invitation had one of our colleagues followed our planning. The colleague in question, has been identified and will be accordingly dealt with at our own discretion. There will obviously be serious consequences.”

In fact, the tenured President Osgood was not aware that he had missed a celebration until he arrived at work Monday and all his coworkers couldn't stop talking about Selah. Anonymous sources noted that Osgood roughly denied having his feelings hurt, but was visibly upset and proceeded to lock himself in his office for several hours. Staff members who attempted to get Osgood out of his office were rebuffed by his threats to include them on his “big stupid poopy-head list.”

Osgood appeared distressed again after Dean Richart Highwind later told the entire Nollen House staff about his satisfactory time at the petting zoo at Selah. After remaining silent, Osgood later confronted Highwind with his tongue stuck out and said, “Chickens and llamas stink anyways.”

After several tantrums, Osgood finally agreed to share his personal feelings about the matter in an exclusive interview. “I'm just outraged that so many people at Grinnell betrayed me after all I've done for this college. I'm a tenured president who has built expanded the campus to include three science centers, five gyms, and seven libraries. I'm tired of these office politics that always exclude me. I've only been invited to my coworkers' birthday parties in the past because my mom called their parents and yelled at them. But whatever, I've accepted it and I am comforted by the fact all the people at Nollen House are those just superficial clique kids who fail at life later. I want to graduate now and go to a college far away that understands and accepts me for who I am. I just can't wait to leave this podunk Iowan town forever and become rich and famous. This place can't hold my dreams.”

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