Osgood Leaves Pioneers, Signs With Vikings

EDEN PRAIRIE, MN- Grinnell College President Russell Osgood has decided to sign a five year deal with the Minnesota Vikings. Head Coach Brad Childress expressed his great excitement, noting how he had been trying unsuccessfully to recruit Osgood for “an ungodly amount of years.”

Osgood's long drought from the NFL is a long and troubled story. After a legendary career at Yale, Osgood was drafted by the Detroit Lions as the overall first pick in the 1969 NFL draft, but declined a contract and cited his “moral conflicts related to playing for the Detroit Lions.” Osgood then pursued other interests for the next forty-two years before “realizing all along how much he missed the one thing he's always enjoyed: playing football.”

Childress hopes to install Osgood at quarterback as the centerpiece of a high powered passing attack. Addressed with concerns about Osgood's long hiatus from football, Childress said, “Russell is simply a man who has a natural love for the game. He has the heart to succeed in a league that is now dominated by expensive contracts and gaudy star-power.” Childress admitted that Osgood may encounter “problems relating to all the guys in the locker room,” but also noted that, “Russell will bring the leadership to a very young team that needs an emotional leader.”

Many members of the media attended practices at the Eden Prairie training facilities. Arriving to the field from a private jet that picked him up on Park Street outside his old office, Osgood blazed onto the field appeared to do well with his new teammates, slapping all of his offensive linemen on the rear end and executing several personalized handshakes with wide receivers.

Osgood demonstrated his powerful arm by connecting on a 50-yard bomb with wide receiver Percy Harvin, who told members of the media that while he enjoyed his first day of practice with Osgood, he was not aware that an “old-timer” like Osgood had that type of arm strength.

Osgood's family may not fully understand his return to football, but they have generally been supportive. “I have mixed emotions, but I have always loved to watch him play,” said Osgood's wife. Years ago, Osgood claimed that he had wanted his children to finish growing up before attempting a football career. Osgood remarked recently that, “I am so glad my damn kids have stopped being an obstacle to my pursuit of pigskin glory.”

Grinnell students could generally care less about football but have vowed to boo Osgood mercilessly the first time he returns to Rosenbloom field.