Obama Refuses To Bail Out Biden In Game Of Monopoly
Above: Late in the game, Obama informs Biden that he will not be passing Go, nor will he be collecting two hundred dollars.
PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE- President Obama announced that he would not bail out Vice President Joe Biden in a game of Monopoly started Thursday night in the Oval Office. The announcement came after bailouts of the banking and auto industries similar to Biden's proposed stimulus plan, but Obama did not consider Biden's diminished standing on the game board to be crucial to the nation's economy.
“Besides, I'm winning,” Obama said.
The game is currently between Obama, Biden, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, Sasha and Malia Obama, and Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel is no longer allowed to play because last time he flipped over the board after he lost.
The game's stakes have slowly risen for the vice president, whose holdings on most of the board have been mortgaged or sold to other players. Although Sasha Obama gave him a glimmer of hope when a Chance card compelled her to pay each other player fifty dollars, he again became dismayed when he missed the “Free Parking” payout by only one space.
“You've got to be kidding me,” Biden said when he landed on Park Place for the third time. “This is worse than living in Scranton.” Park Place is currently owned by Obama, who has constructed four houses on the property. Obama has said he may use Biden's latest payment to build hotels there and on nearby Boardwalk, although observers say he may have just said that to piss off Biden some more.
Biden's wheelbarrow game piece has also frequently landed on the Luxury Tax space. Although such turns have not been as damaging to him, a turning point in the game came when Clinton noticed that Geithner still owed his tax, a debt that stood from when he landed on the piece early in the game and which was overlooked by the other players when Bo, the “First Dog,” entered the room.
Some experts say Biden's luck may have “bottomed out” and may not even need Obama's help to recover. Others stress that the president may not have helped Biden nearly enough and that he may require a massive influx of funds to stay afloat.
Nobel Prize-winning economist Paul Krugman takes that latter view: “Can Obama afford to have Biden's bankruptcy on his conscience for the rest of the game? What kind of message does that send to his children, who have to sit down at that Monopoly table every night and try to figure out how they're going to pay for their modest, little house on Baltic Avenue, or scrounge up $150 for the Electric Company?”
Biden says his dignity was further damaged when Malia Obama moved her thimble game piece through the jail's “Just Visiting” area and coyly stuck her tongue out at him from across the table. He also claims Obama has already broken several promises made during the campaign of Risk they played the other night in the White House Situation Room.
Obama said his decision remained final despite conservative opposition and outrage at what some see as turning the treasury into a socialist “community chest.” He also kept his resolve over reminders that his approval rating recently plummeted among local vice presidents “and this certainly won't help you with that demographic.”
“…Sir,” Biden added.
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