New Anti-Erection Medication Oral-SX Released
Above: Oral-SX has revolutionized the way that men deal with unwanted erections.
NYC- At a press conference on Tuesday, pharmaceutical giant Johnson & Johnson announced the successful development of a new drug to combat unwanted erections. Called Oral- SX, the drug aggressively targets the groin until the erection abates.
“Oral-SX represents the culmination of years of dedicated research, let me tell you,” said Johnson & Johnson spokesperson Dick Willy. “We made some major breakthroughs in the seventies, and though there’ve been a few letdowns, we’ve been perfecting the formula ever since.”
Erections are one of the most commonly occurring maladies, and are usually found in males age twelve to fifty. “Erections, like the common cold, happen regularly and are notoriously difficult to cure,” said Willy. “When struck by an erection attack, the victim usually has little recourse but to wait it out. We seek to change that.”
Erection victim Eric Hardfellow ’15 began using Oral-SX in a testing program six weeks ago. “I used to get attacks all the time. It was awful. I couldn’t focus in class… especially Bio. That prof had it going on. But homework was the worst,” said Hardel low. “Dur ing an attack, how could I possibly be expected to do my reading on the 15th century Northern school of art? But then my girlfriend told me she’d heard about a new medication called Oral-SX. It changed my life.”
While Johnson & Johnson are pitching Oral- SX as a new drug, the holistic practices they built their research on are as old as time. “There’s evidence that people have been using similar remedies for erections since the dawn of man,” said leading anthropologist Jezebel D. Essells. “There are Egyptian hieroglyphs depicting such a cure being administered to pharaohs. There’s nothing new about Oral-SX.”
Willy responded to such criticisms by citing revolutionary mass-production practices. “Thanks to the escalation o f shared global knowledge over the last few decades, Oral-SX can now find its way into a record number of households, and with much greater quality control.”
The only drawback to Oral-SX is that it needs to be administered to the patient by someone. However, Johnson & Johnson is already looking to improve the drug. “We’re beginning animal testing in a few weeks,” said Willy. “We believe studying dogs will help us find a way to self-administer Oral- SX.”
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