Marijuana Actually Illegal

Law enforcement officials try to determine why this harmless drug is illegal.

SECURITY OFFICE – In light of recent campus arrests, the College conducted a formal study on the legality of marijuana. The results were shocking.

“As it turns out, smoking pot is actually illegal,” said chief of campus security Stephen Briscoe in a press release last Wednesday. “Even if you don’t smoke it, simply carrying it around on your person can lead to escalating fines and jail time.”

“Who knew?” Briscoe said.

Apparently, the possession and consumption of cannabis has been illegal in the United States since 1936, when the first federal legislation was passed concerning the harmless plant. “It seems silly, but I guess we have to confiscate it,” said local Grinnell police officer Chuck Burwick.

The news was equally astonishing to the student body.

“Really? We’re not allowed to smoke pot?” said Justin Gurdle ’14. “That’s ridiculous! Next thing I know, you’re gonna tell me I have to be a certain age to drink.”

Economics professor Jacob Hathaway was also taken aback by the archaic law. “Does our government have any idea how popular this stuff is?” he exlaimed. “If it were legal, they would erase the national debt in a few short years with the tax revenue alone. Are they insane?” Professor Hathaway wanted to comment further, but he left hurriedly, explaining that if this law was real, he had “a lot of shit to smoke.”

Rebecca Storker ’11 also took the news badly. “I just made a bong out of beakers I stole from Noyce! You can’t take that away from me! Besides, we have Self-Gov. The police have no jurisdiction here.”

Most of the campus was upset to discover the illegality of smoking pot, but the administration remains optimistic that the news will ultimately be well received. “It’s only a matter of time before the students stop smoking and turn in their bongs willingly,” said Vice President of Student Affairs Houston Dougharty.

“Trust me,” Dougharty continued. “I know the students extremely well.”