Hipsters’ Habitat Vanishing With Loss Of Bob’s

Displaced hipsters struggle to survive in a harsh commercial world.

BOB’S – Environmentalists are up in arms at this week’s announcement that Bob’s Underground Café may be closing after this semester. They claim that if the coffeehouse shuts its doors it would displace the hipster species, which is already endangered.

“This is an outrage,” said Faith Jacobs, a member of the National Wildlife Foundation. “We keep destroying the habitat of these beautiful creatures and eventually they will have no where to go.“

Hipsters, which are identifiable by their colorful plumage and their distinct odor, have nested at Grinnell College for decades. They commonly travel in packs and have been known to gather around South Campus. In the past few years they have flocked to the dark, moist climate of Bob’s with its abundant supply of coffee and poetry readings. This week’s announcement about the future of Bob’s has caused a lot of uncertainty about where the hipsters will live.

“I don’t know what will happen to the majestic hipsters if Bob’s Underground Café closes down. They simply cannot live long without a non-commercialized coffee house within close proximity to them,” reported wildlife expert Danny Peterson.

This is not the first time that a decision by the administration has jeopardized the livelihood of the hipsters. A few years ago, Residence Life decided to make Cleveland a smoke-free dorm. Hipsters require large amounts of Parliament cigarettes to survive. In an attempt to save them students created hipster sanctuaries where they could receive the nicotine they needed.

“I cannot believe Grinnell College would attack such a defenseless creature. What next, will the dining hall start serving spotted owl for dinner? Or will the music department start using pianos made of African Elephant tusk? We need to take a stand now and tell the school we will not let them kill off such a beautiful species,” said Colin Tunnel ’11, leader of Free the Planet.

Some students have started to try and create habitats for the hipsters in case Bob’s does actually shut down.

“Me and a couple of my friends have tried to make this lounge in Cleveland pit home to some hipsters. We put up a couple of posters from French avant-garde films and stocked it with as many skinny jeans as we could find,” said Rachel Garcia ’12.

“I just really hope we’re not too late to save them.”

Unfortunately, such efforts are unlikely to sustain the entire hipster population of Grinnell. While it remains unclear where the displaced hipsters will go, experts agree that you have probably never heard of it.

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