Grinnellians Say Weather Horrible, Decent
Stephanie Grisbinson ‘14 and John Wilbellik ‘12 bask in the balmy, balls-freezing weather.
GRINNELL CAMPUS – According to a recent study, members of the campus community find Grinnell weather to be brutally harsh and not so bad.
In response to growing complaints and indifference about the cold, the College conducted a survey to determine the effects of Grinnell winter weather on the community. Among those interviewed were students, faculty, staff, and several campus dogs.
The survey found that Grinnell weather is terrible and alright. When asked to describe the weather, those interviewed used adjectives including “cold,” “malicious,” “apocalyptic,” and “pretty decent.”
“The weather here is nice,” said John Wilbellik ’12. “Minnesota is way colder.”
“No way, this weather is fucking evil!” agreed Stephanie Grisbinson ’14, who grew up in southern California.
Professor Erick Sallower, who has been in Grinnell for twenty-seven years, felt exactly the same as both Wilbellik and Gribson. “This winter is just like any other. It’s pretty much just average cold.”
The College was surprised to find so much agreement about the nature of the weather. “We really expected to find a variety of opinions, especially when you consider the diverse backgrounds of people on this campus,” said Rick Farnsely, who conducted the survey. “But no, as it turns out, perceptions about the weather are always totally objective and completely in accord with one another.”
“Grinnell winter weather is a mediocre bitch,” concluded Farnsely.
The study also turned up some unexpected findings about Grinnell public discourse. During the winter months, nearly 70% of all conversation on campus is devoted to the weather. For Farnsely, though, the most significant part of their findings is not the sheer quantity of weather-related conversation. “The incredible thing is, out of all that talk about the weather, not one of the comments made is in any way mundane or unoriginal,” said Farnsely. “Every time someone brings up the weather on this campus, they share an utterly unique perspective that has never been voiced before.”
“And of course, their opinions are always completely accurate,” Farnsely continued. “Totally beyond reproach.”
Farnsely also reported that the remaining 30% of campus discourse goes almost entirely to sex, drugs, and rock and roll.
The College has made plans to conduct a similar survey at the end of the semester, at the start of summer. They expect to find that summer weather here is too hot and mildly pleasant. As of press time, it’s really fucking cold.
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