First-Year Class Just As Bad As Last Year, Year Before, Year Before That
JOHN CHRYSTAL CENTER- The Office of Institutional Research has released its statistics on the newly enrolled Class of 2014, revealing that the incoming first-years are just as clueless, naïve, spoiled, and wet-behind-the-ears as the previous three first-year classes. The data indicate that Grinnell is far ahead of its peer institutions when it comes to first-years who don't know shit about how things work around here, surpassing even last year's record high number of uninformed new students.
Analysis shows exactly how oblivious the first-years are about every aspect of campus, from the location of the Microfilm Room to the previous glory of Old Darby. First-year students are also 16 percent less likely than older students to know how to get to the SGA offices.
“How long is the Dining Hall open?” asked Tyler York '14 as he failed to have his P-card ready for cashier Nancy Fink, who has to put up with this crap every year. “And who's that guy in the police outfit who keeps talking to everybody?”
Tripping over themselves due to their excitement at finally arriving on campus, the members of the Class of 2014 have been the source of much annoyance for upperclassmen, who have always had a complete knowledge of the community to give them the edge over the “kiddies.” Even second-years have a thorough grounding in the art of maneuvering a chainless and handle-less campus bike, developed through countless months of experience.
Older students express their disappointment with their successors in no uncertain terms. Zach Pflumm '12 believes that newer facilities are a factor.
“They [new students] don't even remember when Pweb's colors actually made sense. They don't realize how new the JRC or new Darby are. So younger students have less character just like the shitty modern buildings the College keeps building.” His grandfather, Charles Pflumm '42, recalls feeling similar concern during the construction of Cowles Residence Hall.
Wide-eyed first-years have been an increasingly disturbing problem in recent years, which many experts attribute to factors such as increased caffeine intake or lack of quality in the music kids listen to nowadays. They also frequently listen to such music on the newest laptops and digital music players. In contrast, today's seniors typically own music players and other technology that average an estimated three years old.
“I can't believe most of them were born in the fucking nineties,” said Kristin Wisjuk '11. “They probably all like Justin Bieber or something. Have they even heard of Oasis?”
“I don't think I've seen such pathetic little shits in my entire life,” said Chief of Security Stephen Briscoe. “At least, not since last August.”
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