Faculty Binge Drinking Statistics Have Students Concerned
A student worries that Grinnell's alcohol culture may be adversely affecting the academic performance of his professors.
SGA JOINT BOARD – In light of concerns expressed by the student body, SGA commissioned a study regarding faculty drinking at several prominent liberal arts colleges around the country. The results of the study were not promising.
Data shows that 98% of Grinnell’s faculty consume alcohol daily; with nearly 60% binge drinking regularly. The study defines “binge drinking” as drinking to get drunk or to “black out.” SGA decided to step in and fund the survey after hundreds of email complaints and stories began to pour in. Grinnell Police have stepped up the arrests in the area after several first-year professors were caught breaking open-container laws.
The damages caused by faculty members are beginning to pile up. FM has had their hands full dealing with the broken windows in Noyce and ARH. Several professors have been “drinking and driving,” resulting in a few hit-and-run incidents. One senior member of the faculty was arrested and hospitalized following a DGCWI (driving a golf cart while intoxicated), a felony in the state of Iowa.
“Everything was fine until I returned from Fall Break,” said Physics major Demi Danko ’11. “My professor looked like he hadn’t shaved for two weeks and had been on a bender. He announced that our seminar should now be referred to as ‘The Physics of Keg-Stands.’ I’m not really sure I can handle that class at 8 AM on Mondays.”
Members of the Grinnell Singers were alarmed after a recent rehearsal was devoted to learning Irish drinking songs. Marshall Young ’12 commented. “It’s not that I don’t like singing ‘Danny Boy,’ I just don’t think we should sing them at the community AA Meeting next week.”
“My professor spends half the class sobbing, almost begging for some guy named Randy to come back to her,” explained History major Rudy Bose ’13. “What’s worse is she even gave a quiz on the facts of her first break-up, demanding a paragraph to describe how unsatisfied she was the first time she had sex with Randy. It was really inappropriate.
“But hey, I still got an A,” added Bose.
A recent meeting within the payroll department revealed that the faculty is planning a party to mark the day when they received their last paychecks of first semester, referring to the party simply as 12/12. “I’d pay anything to see those two tenure-track Classics profs hook-up,” said Winston Griffith, Economics.
SGA made the decision to step in before anything more serious occurs. “We don’t want anyone getting hurt,” said SGA President Ben Offenberg ’11. “It’s our job to make sure the professors stay safe.”
Raynard Kington MD, PhD, PBR is disappointed with SGA’s response. “SGA is over-stepping its boundaries and should leave faculty drinking alone. The Grinnell faculty is, after all, a group of highly intelligent, independent adults who know how to take care of themselves.”
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