DEA Agents Raid Math Lab In Noyce
Federal agents descend on the suspected math lab, which has been hiding in plain sight for years.
NOYCE- A Drug Enforcement Administration team discovered a math lab in Noyce Science Center Monday, following an anonymous tip from a staff member. After putting Noyce under surveillance for 3 months, a judge issued a search warrant when local police discovered materials believed to be used in the synthesis of math, along with other dangerous derivatives. The police, with the help of statewide law enforcement and DEA agents, entered the building at 3:32am Monday morning and searched each floor until they found the suspected math lab.
Agents found the building deserted except for Earl Archer, 53, who was arrested near the math lab. “We knew we had something when we saw a cart outside the door, filled with all sorts of chemicals,” said Agent Felicia Wiggin. Archer protested innocence and claimed to be from an organization called “FM.” He was unarmed except for a mop.
According to the police report, the math lab contained large boards covered with incomprehensible scribbles. FBI cryptographers are working to decode these jumbled symbols for any trace of meaning. They are also combing through documents found at the scene that hint at the existence of so-called math lab “assistants.”
Agents were disturbed to find closets in nearby hallways filled with hundreds of unidentified chemicals. “They had quite an operation going,” said Agent Wiggin. “These people were sick.”
Police are still searching for clues as to who built the math lab, but they estimate that hundreds of Grinnell students may have used the math lab over the last several years, and hundreds more may have been exposed to its effects.
Some professors may also have been involved.
“It's a shame that so many of today's young people fall victim to the dangers of math,” said President Osgood '10. “That stuff will mess you up.”
Authorities are asking for help identifying possible math users on campus, or anyone who may have more information about the math lab. The College has been swamped with calls from concerned parents asking that their children be kept away from Noyce Science Center until all traces of math are removed from the building. “It's just another sign of a society gone wrong,” lamented one Letter to the Editor in this week's Scarlet & Black, and the staff editorial, “A Math-Free Community,” expressed hope that students will unite in a campaign to stop the spread of math on college campuses across the nation.
Most shocking is the revelation that College funding may have been funneled into the math lab by a shadowy organization known as the “Math Majors.”
Many students have also expressed outrage at the proximity of such a den of filth in the center of campus.
“I walk right past it every day,” said Keith Cunningham '10. “I had no idea it was there.”
ADVERTISEMENT
No comments yet
Laugh, cry or cringe. Let us know!