Confused First Year Thinks He’s Attending Ohio State University
RAWSON- First-Year Student Jake Bryant is woefully ignorant of where he goes to school. The Tucson, Arizona native is convinced he is attending Ohio State University.
“It's really quite sad,” said Amir Khan, Bryant's roommate. “He keeps spending hours in front of the mirror making sure he looks good enough to go out. Who at this school does that?”
Bryant's classmate Linus Jenkins added “I am legitimately worried about him. Last Saturday he camped out at 7 am to tailgate the Grinnell Football home opener. He just played bags by himself for two hours and drank Nattie Light until the game started.”
Jake's ineptitude first became clear to others when prior to the year's inaugural Harris party Bryant put not one but two collars in the upright, or “popped” position.
“I kept telling him that he put his shirt on wrong but he told me it was fine. To be honest I thought it was weird,” says Rodrigo Sanchez '13, Bryant's floor mate.
“There were other signs too,” reported Chris Hester '12. “He freaked out when his professor knew his name, he kept complaining about all the three-pointers the basketball team shot, and the other day he ran away from Russ Motta because he thought he was going to get busted. ”
When confronted with the issue Jake replied, “Nah Broseidon you are mistaken. Of course I am a student at the Ohio State University. This place is so rock and roll. I love clubbing here and the chicks are totally ballin'. Whoa, I got to get going, I have an appointment to get my tribal armband tattoo and thirsty Thursday beckons. Catch you later Brosapien.”
Behavioral Psychologist Charles Atwell attributes Jake's behavior to an imbalance of serotonin levels in the brain. “Jake has a very serious disorder where he can't fully deal with the reality he is presented. His brain has a chemical imbalance that alters his perceptions. To put it simply he is living in a sort of bizarro world where almost everything is opposite. ”
For the time being Jake is still living in his false reality. He still believes that he sits in the back row of five hundred person lectures and that fraternity rush is going to be awesome. At least he will fit in with the football team.
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