B&S Uncovers Corporate Spy, Villain Found Dead

PUBS OFFICE- The S&B was pressured to retract a column published last week, after discovering that it had included a statement from a corporate spy.

Students were immediately suspicious. “We advocate diversity of thought here,” said Kent Read ’13, “not views that advocate respect for conservative positions.”

The corporate spy was uncovered while hanging out with his unsuspecting former roommate, avowed communist and Editor-in-Chief of this fine newspaper, Grant Dissette ’12. “All I said was, ‘That article – it sounds like you’re a corporate plant or something.’ Then he got really pale and ran out of the room.” Dissette reportedly then saw his friend emerge from the hall’s telephone booth wearing a suit, a Rolex, and perfectly moussed hair. “With him dressed that nice, I knew something was up.”

The corporate spy has been operating under the alias Ruthven Darragh ’12, pronounced “Revan Darrah.” “I always knew there was something funny about that name,” said Dissette.

In spite of an immediate all-campus email from Stephen Briscoe, the spy managed to escape Grinnell. Police found an abandoned Rolls Royce at the Grinnell Regional Airport. According to eyewitness accounts, the spy had entered a small plane with a pilot and two sexy stewardesses, and taken off. “The stewardesses didn’t look too happy to be there,” said bystander Joe Engleman ’14.

Before searching the spy’s room, Campus Security had to fumigate it due to potent orange peel fumes that made it nearly impossible to function. Security eventually found evidence implicating Darragh in several pro-corporate conspiracies on campus. “He did use to frenziedly shut his laptop whenever I walked in the room,” said Dissette, “but I always thought he was just watching something incriminating.”

Many students are still in a state of shock. “I thought he was going to take his Soc. degree and live out his ideals in a life of poverty,” said Dissette, before breaking down into tears. “I thought going to college in Iowa would isolate me from the real world of greedy capitalism.”

Many have looked to the administration for guidance. “As long as he donates lots of his ill-begotten earnings, it’s all the same to me,” commented President Raynard Kington, MD, PhD, Inc., as he walked past the foundations for the new Grinnell Business School currently being constructed to replace Mears Cottage.

Justice had been ironically served, however, when the plane was found the next morning crashed in a field only a few miles away. The spy’s body was found nearby. Police reports project that the weight of his golden parachute did not help to arrest his fall. The pilot and sexy stewardesses, not being executives, are assumed to have been issued normal parachutes and thus to have escaped, as their bodies have not been found.

It is not yet known if giving a golden parachute to an executive bailing out of a crashing thing constitutes foul play in this case.