Armed With Super Soaker, Students Protest Universal Self-Governance Talks

FORUM- After hearing SGA-endorsed rumors that a new president would potentially hold a referendum on universal self-governance, two concerned students responded to this assertion with a display of brute force on Monday night, as they gathered outside the Forum with water guns strapped to their bodies in an attempt to “show those fools what self-gov is all about.” When the Presidential Search Committee convened for a talk about the controversial selection process that night, the students seized their opportunity to make their voices heard.

The students were equipped with various types of water weaponry, including holstered water pistols, full water balloons, and high-pressure Super Soakers on slings.

“We're protecting our freedom,” one of the pair stated belligerently when pressured by a concerned bystander. Campus security was nearby with a garden hose, prepared to act should the circumstances escalate. Security called the display “excessive,” stating that water balloons could easily drench innocent bystanders. However, they had to concede that the students were well within their rights; each had a license to carry a bloated weapon on campus.

Though the actions of the students were perfectly legal, Committee members and attending students alike were visibly puzzled. “I just don't see what water guns have to do with the presidential search,” said one Committee member. “I tried talking to them, but all they did was shout nonsense about socialism and menacingly ask me if I was thirsty.”

Several students condemned the actions of the armed protesters, among them a frightened first-year, Avery Douglas '13. “What if something goes wrong and one of them starts shooting?” Douglas wondered. “Am I going to need to pick up a waterproof vest this weekend?”

As a result of the increasing tension surrounding his replacement, Russell K. Osgood '10 has increased security measures around him at all times. He has hired RKO doubles to speak for him at podium events, and he always carries an emergency blow dryer on his person. A motion-sensing sprinkler system is currently being installed on his estate, and talk has been made of procuring a fire truck to drive him around the area. The collective increase in security measures for Osgood has been given the temporary label “Water Force One.”

Though the recent display of arms may not have been entirely relevant to Monday's meeting, the stance of the student body is clear: you can have our water guns when you pry them from our cold, soaked hands.